inspired by "You Don't Really Know Me" by Jessie J.
much to talk about external facade versus internal reality...
Access the song here: Spotify Youtube
Hello and welcome to week two of my series “much to talk about mondays”.
1. Friendly reminder, I do not have a psychology degree in any capacity and these posts are solely my own reflections and thoughts based on personal experiences.
2. Music has been an essential piece to my ongoing healing journey and plays a big role in helping me process emotions and experiences.
- As I listened to music in recent years when trying to process past struggles or stroll down memory lane, I realized that certain songs naturally shifted my mind into reflecting on lessons that those moments in life have taught me.
So, without further ado, welcome to my stream of conscience aka a somewhat in present time reflection of the difficulty of people not truly knowing you:
The facade we put out to the world versus the reality of our day to day, “You Don’t Really Know Me” by Jessie J, inspires this week’s post.
This song came to mind last week when I was on vacation with my family. It reminded me that sometimes the people closest to us don’t even really know or see us through the facade that we put out to the world. When you’ve been the one holding it all together, appearing like you have been handling everything as well as you can, it becomes harder to let those walls down and show how you are really managing day to day.
On a general scale this comes through with my not letting family into the details of my mental health struggles of anxiety and depression, not wanting them to worry about me or think that they aren’t doing the right things for me. On a more specific level, this song popped into my head when the voice in my head kept screaming “you don’t even know how I see myself”, every time one of my relatives would make a comment about how they liked something I was wearing but then would follow it with a comment intended to be a compliment, “only can wear that if you’re 85 pounds”, which I know was their way of saying that I am skinny to them. The internal problem that occurred for me is that what they didn’t see 20 minutes prior was the way my tank top lifted up as I was putting on face lotion and brushing my hair, and my stomach hung slightly over my shorts. I might be relatively thin, but it’s been drilled into my head for years that I’m not fit, I don’t have a flat stomach. And while I don’t let this mindset affect my ability to eat anything and everything, comments about my appearance always rub me a weird way.
“The prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears. And the kindest of hearts have felt the most pain”
Going back to the anxiety and depression side of things, this song fits a high-functioning mentally-ill human perfectly. I show up to work, I exceed my standards, I am well received by those around me, I make plans with friends, I participate in extracurricular hobbies that bring me joy, but on the inside, I feel empty, I feel alone, I am caught in an endless cycle of not knowing where to start on personal life goals, creative hobbies, staying consistent with a routine and accountability *cough * cough * this week 2 post coming out WAY after the first one, and then entering a depressive episode with no energy, motivation, desire to do anything, and feeling like I am letting myself down. This internal world is lonely while simultaneously scary to let others be a part of. Trusting people to hold your flaws with the same love and kindness and gentle support as they do with your best qualities is something that I am working on improving in my life. Because I know that if I don’t then, no one really, truly, knows the raw, stripped back, version of me.
“And we put a fake smile to hide the pain, yet we wish someone would look closely enough and see how broken we really are inside”
Lyrics from the song that resonate with me:
“The girl who always says yes
Wants to scream no
Takes over everyone's stress, uh
Ignores her own
The life and soul of the party
But loves to stay home
She say's she's not broken-hearted
But cries on her own”
“'Cause I'm going crazy when I'm not okay,
I keep praying that the cracks don't show my pain, uh
'Cause even when I'm falling, I say my life is like a dream, uh
But I'm fighting through a nightmare,
'Cause I'm not really being me,
(oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh) uh
So you don't really know me”